If You Give a Mom a Coffee

If you give a mom a coffee

She’s going to ask if you’re an angel from Heaven or a vivid hallucination caused by sleep deprivation

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When you give her a gaping blank stare

She’ll probably yell “Oh my god we’re LATE!”

When she’s finished her coffee

It’s only because she has been interrupted 14 times and called it quits at 4 gulps.

Then she’ll want to look in the hamper for everyone’s clothes today

When she looks in the hamper

She might notice her cell phone, keys, a tampon, a fistful of goldfish and everything else the toddler hid in there

She’ll probably ask if this is a fucking joke

When she’s finished deep sighing

She’ll yell at everyone to get dressed

She’ll start weeping

She might get carried away and weep in every room in the house

She might even end up washing the floors in her tears

When she’s done, she’ll probably want a nap


You’ll have to fix up a little pile of laundry

Made mostly of odd socks because it’s like socks only come as singles now

She’ll flop on top

Make herself comfortable

Then you’ll probably ask her to read you a story

So she’ll hand you her phone

And mumble for you to watch Daniel Tiger ,”or whatever”

When you watch the phone

You’ll get so excited you’ll want to jump up and down and scream

So she’ll take you to the playground

Until you start wailing that it’s time for dinner

She’ll stagger home to make you a dinner

That you won’t touch

Looking at the refrigerator

Will remind her that she is thirsty

So…she’ll pour a glass of wine

And chances are…if she pours a glass of wine

She’s going to want a coffee tomorrow morning

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