The Momternship

Every time I hear someone say “Motherhood is the toughest job you will ever love!!” I just assume that that person doesn’t understand what jobs are, doesn’t understand what children are, and/or might be a dad (Kidding. Kidding. Mostly.). Because motherhood is NOTHING like a job. Unless your boss is following you into the bathroom and chanting in tongues and/or weeping in anguish about your bowel movements, in which case, please quit your job ASAP. No, motherhood is nothing like a job…it’s more like an unpaid internship. So read on and buckle up: you’re gonna be fetching a lot of coffee.

Now Accepting Applications

1)No Experience Necessary: Not only do you not need any experience AT ALL to be a mom, but it is actually better that you don’t know the first thing about giving birth and/or raising children before you get started! The ideal candidate for first time mother is totally enthusiastic and completely clueless. You’ll see why after your first day! (Evil laugh). Prepare to add some real depth to your Skills Section.

2) No One will learn your Real Name ever again: The good news is that you can go ahead and commit credit card fraud using your real name right now. I suggest just charging the shit out of diapers and wine. Why? Because after your baby arrives, you will be forever be known as Offspring’s Mom. Strangers won’t bother to ask your name at all, preferring to talk to you through the baby, “Did you tell Mommy you need a hat?!!?” Acquaintances will just be like “Look! It’s Offspring’s Mom!” and all your old friends will stop talking to you all together because they can’t take any more details about your new internship. Yes, they know your boss is both cherubic and demonic and pooped twice yesterday.

3)No vacations: This gig is literally every single day and night for the rest of your life. WHAT. Occasionally you may physically go to another location with or without your children, but the only vacation you are *actually taking* is a permanent vacation from the old you who looked awesome in jeans and stayed awake for Game of Thrones. Yay! Pack your bags!

4)No Pay: Jobs pay you. Motherhood does not pay anything. However, it will cost you! It will cost you everything. It will cost you your dignity, your sanity, your body, occasionally your will to live, and yes, your money. All of your money.

5)No Promotions:  I know!  You will bust your ass for YEARS and weirdly your feedback and performance reviews will get WORSE. Do you have a 6-month-old baby? She likely worships the ground you are about to collapse on. Have a 3-year-old kid?  Per your last evaluation (about 5 seconds ago), you are actually The Worst because HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT THE CHEESE MUST NOT TOUCH THE MACORONI ON MY MAC AND CHEESE!!! My 8 year old just asked if I could correct the mistake of having given him two sisters instead of a brother (whoops).

Not only will you never be promoted, but also ultimately, if you do a really great job-you will be gradually told that your services are longer needed. Ouch. Luckily, your time as a momtern will prepare you for literally anything. Anyone who can change a diaper while nursing a baby while driving a car while answering life’s greatest questions from a 4-yr old, while surviving only on coffee, goldfish crackers, and chardonnay, is qualified for anything.

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