Netflix and Chill vs. Netflix and Children

by Kate Levkoff

Netflix and Children

Okay, I admit it: For the last year or so, I thought I was doing “Netflix and Chill,” when all I was doing was queueing up endless episodes of Caillou so that I could take a shit and/or have a totally silent Falling Down moment a sink of two-day-old dishes.

Turns out, I was actually doing “Netflix and Children,” which is a totally different thing.A totally different thing.

Netflix and Chill means you lure someone to your couch by coyly suggesting you watch a movie together, and then you instead have sex. Or at least intentionally touch each other in a mutually pleasurable way.

I mean wow. Wow. Netflix and Children means basically the total opposite.

Netflix and Chill is all about being together. Netflix and Children is all about being alone at fucking last. It’s about letting Peppa Pig, or those weird H20 Mako Mermaids, or the Ninjago Lego toys deal with this mess for 20 minutes (or half an hour, or fine, the whole first season of Lab Rats!) so that I can get some work done, or take a shower, or lie on a pile of unfolded laundry and try to figure out how to put a flag on my Facebook profile picture for, like, an hour and a half. All while my kids are being lobotomized by something rated TV-Y, or TV-G, or (emergencies only) TV-14.

And I’m sorry, but Netflix and Children is way better than Netflix and Chill! Consider: I don’t need to shave my legs, stay awake, smell pretty much clean, or be likeable for Netflix and Children to be a huge hit! Actually, I have been married for 10 years, so the same rules would apply for Netflix and Chill, but you get my point: It takes absolutely no effort.

Thank God I have Netflix and Children to help me sidestep my parenting responsibilities when it is truly essential that my children and I take a break from one another and not touch or talk for as many seasons of Pingu as possible.

Lastly, a warning to all those sensually streaming lovebirds: Some variation of Netflix and Chill is what got me to where I am today. My children are probably a product of the bygone “DVR and Hit Dat” era. Watch responsibly.

Scary Mommy

 

Mommy Mad Libs: Christine

Mommy Mad Libs

I always thought that having a baby would be HEAVEN ON EARTH___, from what I had seen from my friend’s profiles, I figured it was a lot of__LOVIN AND BLISS__. I was totally__IN OVER MY HEAD_____. First of all my _asshole______ felt like it had been ripped open_____and I couldn’t tell if I would ever_have a solid poop__ again.  After labor I really wanted a CRISPY RICE SPICY TUNA ROLL____an it felt so good to finally _EAT TUNA WITH WILD ABANDON____.  

I took a lot of _PICTURES____ and put them on _INSTAGRAM____. I got a lot of _LOVE____from people, and they said that _LEVI___looked _LIKE ME AND G___.  My body was _BLOWN OUT_____!  I loved how I had_BELLY FAT___ now! It took a while but I finally  BRUSHED___my __TEETH___.

I looked at my husband with new  ADORATION______and felt more LOVE ____toward him than ever before.  He was so _HELPFUL____, it  was amazing.  (2 months later, i hated him for ANYTHING. helpful or not).

If I could tell a __YOUNG__lady anything, it would be to __wait till you’re at least 32__and don’t believe the  SEEMINGLY PERPETUAL BLISS__you __SEE_on SOCIAL MEDIA____! (it’s all amazing and worth it, but the hardest job you’ll ever have ever ever ever !)

Mommy Mad Libs: Ali

Mommy Mad Libs

I always thought that having a baby would be_amazing___, from what I had seen from my friend’s profiles, I figured it was a lot of playing hipster dress-up____. I was totally____wrong___. First of all my existence______ felt like it had a purpose_____and I couldn’t tell if I would ever go to Ross___ again.  After labor I really wanted a chocolate cake___an it felt so good to finally __binge on sugar___.  

I took a lot of magnesium pills _____ and put them on my bedside table _____. I got a lot of _shit____from people, and they said that _my tits___looked huge ____.  My body was _hilarious_____!  I loved how I had no control over my bowels____ now! It took a while but I finally gained___my  control back_____.

I looked at my husband with new _perspective_____and felt more _bitchy___toward him than ever before.  He was so  well rested____, it  was amazing.  

If I could tell a pregnant____lady anything, it would be to breathe___and don’t believe the negativity___you read___on __anything__!